I've been re-assessing lately.....everything.....every single little thing....that I do with my time. Two weeks ago I felt compelled to look at where I am spending my time and where I would like to be spending my time. One of my wants was to return to blogging so I can continue to have written memories over time. I also decided in trying to grow my embroidery business I was neglecting the one reason I am staying home.....my sweet Emory. So, after lots of prayer and thinking I decided to give that up and accept a job offer from my Father in Law to work 2 days a week instead of 4....giving me back those 2 days to spend with Em. I cannot believe she will be starting kindergarten next year!
I have so many emotions going on right now.....overall I am at peace, but truthfully and a little fearful. The Lord continues to re-assure me that I am His and He is with me every step of the way. I continue to hear that daily in my head from him. It is the truth and I believe that.
Looking back at my last post below so many things have taken place. The Lord provided us with good news about Emory's kidney that was smaller...her last ultrasound showed that it was growing normally and we wouldn't have to return to the Nephrologist until next year! Yay! Her infections have dropped tremendously and we are hoping her little kidney reflux is being healed as she grows!
It is overwhelming to try to catch up on all that has taken place since I last wrote...so I will move forward from today:
For today...a post for my sweet son:
November 14th....my feelings....
How has it been 6 years? Is that possible? 6 years you have been at peace with our Lord and 6 years I have felt the absense of that peace. It continues to be a daily struggle that you are not here with me. I cannot stand the fact that I don't get to watch you grow and do funny things...and have a SON here with me. I continue to be angry and lean on the Lord to help me with that anger and frustration. There is not a second that I am not thinking about you or comparing living children (mainly boys your age) to you. I look around and see all the kids that are your age and the hole in my heart aches and gets bigger.
I just miss you immeasurably.
I miss your smell, your eyes, your silent laugh....I would have loved to hear your laugh just one time, instead I can still hear your crying out over various horrible things you had to endure....the Lord guides me to not think on those things but instead of all the joy you brought to me.
I will never be the same.
You changed me the second I laid eyes on you my love...that very second I became a begger....begging for your life with me...I will never be the same without you. I wish you were here to play with your sister....what joy it would bring to see the two of you playing or fighting together. Opposites in appearance. Your dark hair outstanding her gorgeous red hair....so opposite. I would love to know your personality and enjoy your questions, your hugs and kisses......You would enjoy your daddy tremdously as your sister does. You could not have had a better father. I know you would already have your own bow for bowhunting and you would be an avid fisherman! What joy that would bring.
Instead I raise an only child.
So another year passes, another death anniversary, another minute of longing to have you. I am doing my best to make you proud. I love you.
