How I Feel....really

So today I am supposed to be walking my sweet, dark haired, dark eyed angel baby into his kindergarten class with all of the other Moms...only that day will never come for me. How do I feel today? I am angry, dissapointed, heart-broken, jealous and did I mention angry? For those that have lost children some of the hardest days are the milestone days. It is absolutely impossible to not think about what we are missing out on. I have put on a happy face and listened and smiled as I have attended numerous women functions the last couple of months where "first day of school" talk has continued to ring in my ear and pierce my heart. It's not that I don't want to be a part of those conversations, its that I WANT to be a part of those conversations. I want to go out and by a new backpack and embroider my son's name, I want to go school shopping for boy clothes, I want my son to stand up at Church when the whole service is on "school starting" and all the children going to school get to stand,I want the first day of school pictures, I want to walk him to his class and shed tears as I realize how the years have past so quickly. But I am a realistic person and I do try to remain in reality most of the time. I know that will not happen for my family, until little Em gets her chance. I don't want to rush her time away either. I want to soak in each moment and each day I get to spend with the third love of my life...Emory. And that is the legacy that Tate left for me. To live in the moment.
So for today, I am going to get over my anger and frustration and turn to my Father that loves me and can give me peace. He knows I am angry and mad, but still loves me....and he knows a thing or two about losing a son.